902 The One Where Emma Cries
Scene: Continues from The One Where No One Proposes – Ross is still next to Rachel.
Ross: You said you’d marry Joey?
Rachel: OK, you have to realize, I was exhausted, I was emotional, I would have said yes to anybody. Like that time you and I got married. (Long pause) I’m not helping.
Ross: So you said yes to him, and you just had our baby?
Rachel: That is right and traditionally the daddy is supposed to give the mummy a present but I am prepared to let that go.
Ross: So when I came in here to see if you wanted to maybe start things up again, you were engaged to my best friend.
Rachel: Well (Looks at Ross quizzically) Really? I thought Chandler was your best friend.
Ross: Well, Chandler’s my oldest friend, but Joey’s my NO! Ah! (points at Rachel)
Rachel: Ooooo!
Joey: (Enters) Hey I’m gonna take off. I just wanted to let you guys know, say goodbye.
Ross: Rachel said she’d marry you!
Joey: (He looks around the room) This isn’t the right room, sorry folks. (leaves)
Opening Credits
Scene: Monica, Phoebe, Joey & Chandler are at Ross & Rachel’s waiting for them to come home.
Monica: OK, I don’t wanna be negative so I’ll say that most of the signs you bought are good.
Phoebe: No they ran out of “It’s a girl” (the sign says “It’s a boy”) but I can fix this one, (she writes “not” in between it’s and a) See?
Monica: (looking at Chandler sleeping with a balloon in his mouth) So sexy. Honey.
Chandler: Yea yea. (pulls the balloon out of his mouth)
Monica: Honey why don’t you go lie down.
Chandler: No, no, Ross and Rachel will be back soon and then I gotta go to the office (pulls a balloon out of his mouth) Am I producing them?
Joey: Why’re you so tired?
Chandler: Couldn’t sleep last night you know, then I started worrying about this big divisional meeting that I have later today, the more I worried about it the more I couldn’t sleep, you know, I was like, if I fall asleep now I’ll get six hours sleep, but if I fall asleep now I’ll get 5 hours sleep. Not matter what I did I couldn’t fall asleep.
Joey: You know what you should’ve done, you should have told yourself that little story.
Rachel: (enters with Emma) Hi!
Everyone: Hi, welcome home!
Monica: Phoebe did the signs.
Rachel: Oh you guys thanks for doing this.
Phoebe: Look at all the stuff people sent!
Rachel: Oh AH! (see’s a big gorilla stuffed animal) Oh my gosh there’s something every mother needs, a giant stuffed gorilla that takes up the entire apartment! What are people think?(reads the card) Oh you guys I love it.
Joey: Hey so where’s Ross?
Rachel: He’s downstairs getting the rest of the stuff out of the cab.
Joey: Is he still mad at us?
Rachel: Well, you more then me, but he can’t stay to mad at me. I mean, I just had his baby.
Joey: That’s not fair! I can’t do that.
Rachel: Yeah, I’m not too sure you should be here when he comes up.
Joey: See this is what I was afraid of, I didn’t think I should be here either but somebody (looks at Chandler) said he’d be over it by now.
Chandler: Hey, what do I know? I wanted to get a bigger gorilla.
Scene: Chandler keeps drifting off to sleep at his meeting.
Ms. McKenna: The numbers we are seeing New York, Chicago & London are consistently solid, but many of our officers have reported disappointing fields.
(Chandler drifts off and his arm slips off the table and he wakes back up.)
Ms. McKenna: Boston is down, Atlanta, Houston is down, I could go on and on but instead of boring you I’ll go straight to my forty two point plan.
(Chandler leans over to the man next to him drifting off yet again, realizing he gets back up.)
Chandler: Walter (nods).
Scene: Phoebe Monica Rachel & Ross at the apartment.
Phoebe: She’s just so cute! I just wanna bite her ear off and use it and a sucking candy.
Monica: Phoebe! But I could take one of those little feet and put it in a peter pocket.
Ross: (comes out from the back room) OK I put most of the stuff away.
Rachel: Oh great, the pacifiers?
Ross: In the closet.
Rachel: The burping clogs?
Ross: Linen closet.
Rachel: The diapers?
Ross: In the hospital.
Phoebe: Wow you guys got a hospital fetish!
Ross: No I left the diapers at the hospital! There’s some in the bag but I’ll run out and get some more.
Rachel: Alright thanks, oh Ross could you stop by the coffee house and get me a muffin?
Ross: Sure what kind?
Rachel: Umm let me think…What do I want, what d-o I w-a-n-t…
Ross: Please take your time, it’s an important decision. Not like, say, I know! deciding to marry someone, this is about a muffin (opens his eyes and acts like its serious)
Rachel: Blueberry.
Ross: Blueberry it is.
Rachel: Thanks.
Monica: Wow, he’s really not letting this go, is he?
Rachel: God how long do you think that’s gonna last?
Phoebe: I dunno, well he got over the “we were on a break” thing really quickly.
Rachel: You know what? I can’t even worry about that right now, cause I got the cutie little baby, oh I can’t believe how much I love her, I can’t get enough of her, like right now I miss her I actually miss her.
Phoebe: You know that’s?that’s her.
Rachel: Oh god look at her sleeping, oh I love her so much, oh I think I’m gonna wake her up.
Phoebe: Oh no, Rach, no no, you know you’re never supposed to wake a sleeping baby.
Rachel: Well I can do whatever I want, I made her, come on little girl, hi!
(Emma starts crying)
Phoebe: I don’t wanna say I told you so but she’s kinda doing that for me.
Rachel: Oh I’m sorry mummy’s so sorry go back to sleep go back to sleep shh shhh! Go back to sleep
(Emma continues crying in the background)
Monica: Breaks your heart doesn’t it
Phoebe: It really does?how long do you think we have to stay?
Scene: Chandlers meeting continues
Ms. McKenna: Ok if everyone’s on board, it’s settled, Chandler, (Walter puts his hand on Chandlers hand, Chandler sleeping puts his hand on top of his, he then wakes up and pulls his hand away) Chandler?
Chandler: Yep.
Ms. McKenna: Are you on board?
Chandler: (not knowing what he’s saying yes to) Yes.
Ms. McKenna: Then, problem solved. Chandler will be running our office in Tulsa. You’re gonna love Oklahoma.
(Chandler smiles and nods then realizes what he’s agreed to.)
Scene: Emma continues crying while Rachel, Monica and Phoebe try different methods to quiet her down.
Phoebe: Well, alright, we already tried feeding her, changing her, burping her, oh try this one! Go back in time and listen to Phoebe!
Monica: Alright here’s something, it says to try holding the baby close to your body and then swing her rapidly from side to side.
Rachel: OK (starts swinging Emma rapidly and she stops crying)
Monica: It worked!
Rachel: Oh (happy) oh no just stopped to throw up a little bit. (Emma starts crying again.) Oh come on, what am I gonna do, its been hours and it won’t stop crying.
Monica: Umm, “she”, Rach, not “it” — “she. “
Rachel: Yeah, I’m not so sure.
Monica: Oh my god, I am losing my mind.
Phoebe: Yeah, no kidding, this just proves no good can come from having sex with Ross.
Scene: Ross in central perk getting Rachel her muffin.
Ross: Hey Gunther, can I get a couple of blueberry muffins to go? (He puts a bag with dippers in it on the counter.)
Gunther: Dippers huh?
Ross: Yep.
Gunther: So I guess Rachel had you baby?
Ross: Yep, can you believe it?
Gunther: Nope, I still can’t believe she slept with you in the first place
Ross: Huh? Ooh (laughs) you mean like a?Huh?
Joey: (Comes in.) Hey. (smiles, Ross just ignores him and turns back round) Ross, I know you’re pissed at me, but we have to talk about this, ah actually we don’t, (Ross walks off) fine, fine OK but I gotta say technically, I didn’t even do anything wrong.
Ross: (turns back) What! (angry) You didn’t do anything wrong?!
Joey: I said I didn’t technically.
Ross: OK let’s put aside that you (finger quote-mark gesture) “accidentally” picked up my grandmothers ring and you (again) “accidentally” proposed to Rachel.
Joey: Look, can I just stop you right there for a second? When people do this (finger quote-mark gesture) ” “, I don’t really know what that means. (Ross just looks at him) You were saying?
Ross: And I can even understand that you couldn’t tell Rachel, but why couldn’t you tell me, huh? You had all day to and you didn’t.
Joey: I know I should’ve. (quote-mark gesture) “im sorry”
Ross: Not using it right, Joe.
(He brings his hands in closer to his face then does it again.)
Ross: I’m gonna go.
Joey: No, come on Ross! (he grabs his bag so he cant leave) Look, Ross, we have to get past this.
Ross: Give me the bag
Joey: No, look, I don’t know what else to do. I said I’m sorry.
Ross: Joey!
Joey: You should scream at me or hit me.
Ross: I’m not gonna hit you.
Joey: Why not, you’ll feel better, I’ll feel better, and I know you want to. I can see it in your eyes.
Ross: No I don’t.
Joey: A little bit.
Ross: No.
Joey: Little bit.
Ross: No!
Joey: (excited) A little bit more.
Ross: Give me the bag.
Joey: No, hit me
Ross: Give me the bag.
Joey: Hit me.
Ross: Joey, give me the bag.
Joey: Hit me!
Ross: Joe I’m not kidding?/p>
Joey: (interrupting) Hit me, hit me.
Ross: No!
Joey: (shouts) Hit me! Hit me!
(Ross goes crazy and goes to punch him, but Joey gets out of the way and Ross punchs his hand against the pole. Ross then screams from the pain and turns to Gunther, and Gunther has a huge smile on his face.)
Ross: You ducked!!
Joey: I’m sorry! It was a reflex!
Ross: Oh my god, this really hurts!!!
Joey: I couldn’t help it! When a fist comes at your face, you duck! Look! (He goes to punch Ross, expecting him to duck, but he doesn’t and Joey punches Ross in the eye! Gunther looks very happy.)
Ross: What is the matter with you?!?
Joey: You were supposed to duck!!! Why didn’t you duck?
Ross: Why don’t we talk about this on the way to the hospital?
Joey: Good, good yeah, (grabs the bags) maybe while we’re there, they can check your reflexes. (Joey opens the door and it hits Ross in the face with it.) “Oops”
(Commercial Break)
Scene: Emma is still crying.
Monica: Try feeding her again.
Rachel: I already fed her.
Monica: I know, that’s why I said again!
Phoebe: Alright you guys, we can’t turn on each other, that’s just what she wants.
Chandler: (enters) Hey
Monica: Hey
Chandler: Monica can I talk to you outside for a minute?
Rachel: Oh no, you guys, just stay here, I’m gonna go check her diaper, Pheebs you wanna come?
Phoebe: Oh I’m kinda part of this.
Chandler: Actually Pheebs its more of a husband and wife kinda thing
Phoebe: I knew I should have married Chandler.
(Phoebe and Rachel go to the back room and Emma continues to cry in the background while Chandler and Monica talk.)
Monica: OK what’s up
Chandler: OK, umm, you know how we always said that it would be fun to move to Paris for a year? You know, you could study French cooking and I could write and we could take a picnic along the sand and go wine tasting in Bordeaux?
Monica: Oh yeah (smiles).
Chandler: OK, you know that people say that Tulsa is the Paris of Oklahoma?
Monica: What? Who says that?
Chandler: People who’ve never ever been to Paris.
Monica: What’s going on?
Chandler: We’re moving to Tulsa! (makes a excited expression on his face)
Monica: Excuse me?
Chandler: OK, Ms. McKenna, she kind of works above my boss, she asked me to move to Tulsa and be the president of our office there, and I was sleeping and apparently, said yes.
Monica: (stands up angry) Tulsa Oklahoma!
Chandler: The sooner state, whatever that is.
Monica: Chandler, I don’t even wanna see the musical Oklahoma!
Chandler: Really, oh what a beautiful morning staring with a fringe on top.
Monica: Are you trying to tell me that we’re moving to Oklahoma, or that you’re gay? All right, not that this matters, but did they at least offer you a huge raise?
Chandler: No, no, but they are going to lease us a Ford Focus. (Monica’s not impressed) I’ll get out of it.
Monica: Thank you.
Chandler: (hears Emma crying finally) What is wrong with Emma?
Monica: Oh she misunderstood, she thought she was moving to Tulsa.
Scene: Chandler goes to see Ms. McKenna
Chandler: Umm m’am, do you have a minute? (She points for him to come in) I kind of have some bad news. I don’t think I can move to Tulsa.
Ms. McKenna: What?
Chandler: It’s a funny story, actually. (coughs) I kind of fell asleep in the meeting this morning so when I said I’d move to Tulsa, I didn’t really know what I was saying.
Ms. McKenna: You fell asleep?
Chandler: But only because I was up all night worried about this meeting, ain’t that funny? Irony? Not a fan, alright (he sits down). See, here’s the thing. I went home and told my wife about Tulsa and she won’t go. See, me, I love Tulsa, Tulsa is heaven, Tulsa is Italy. Please don’t make me go there!
Ms. McKenna: Chandler, I?/p>
Chandler: No no no! Look, Carol, can I call you Carol? …why would I when your name is Elaine? Oh what a great picture of your son, strapping … that’s a picture of your daughter, isn’t it, well she’s lovely, I like a girl with a strong jaw. I’ll call you from Tulsa.
Scene: Ross is at the hospital with Joey.
Joey: Hey, so how is it?
Ross: I broke my thumb.
Joey: Your thumb, that’s weird, you sure you’re punching right? Make a fist. (Ross just looks at him) Maybe later. Ross I feel terrible.
Ross: You know what, you can go, I just have to fill out some forms (tries to hold the pen but can’t)
Joey: You, you want me to help you with that?
Ross: Why, does it look like I’m having trouble with my misshapen claw? (He hands Joey the form)
Joey: Name? (pause) I know Ross but what’s it short for? You know like, like Rossle or Rosstepher.
Ross: Just Ross
Joey: It’s pretty, OK date of birth?
Ross: You know my birthday.
Joey: Sure, Maytember.
Ross: October 18th.
Joey: Occupation? Dinosaurs.
Ross: Actually I’m a palian?Dinosaurs is fine?the drawing is not.
Joey: Alright, who do you want as your emergency contact?
Ross: Ah, Rachel I guess.
Joey: OK, relationship, boy this could take a while.
Ross: Just ah?just put roommate.
Joey: Come on, you guys are more then that! I mean, you’re gonna get together right?
Ross: I don’t think that we are.
Joey: But you two were supposed to be together.
Ross: Well, I thought so too, then she said she’d marry you.
Joey: Come on, Ross, that didn’t mean anything! She just had the baby, she was all freaked out about doing it alone, she would have said yes to anybody.
Ross: Yeah that’s what she said
Joey: So?
Ross: So I don’t wanna be just anybody.
Joey: Wow.
Ross: You know what, it’s, it’s better this way anyway, I mean I don’t know what I was thinking, going down that road again with us. It’s just much easier if we’re just friends who have a kid.
Joey: Really?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: And you’re OK with that?
Ross: Yes. I mean, it’s what we always planned, and if you have a plan, you should stick to it, that’s why they call them plans, hello, (pause) I’m fine.
Joey: Hey, for what it’s worth, with Rachel I don’t think you’ll ever be just “anybody”.
Ross: Hey there you go! (smiles because Joey used it correctly)
Joey: “thanks”
(Ross looks away, not bothering)
Scene: Emma continues to cry.
Rachel: Oh my God! How long has she been crying?
Monica: About a week and a half.
Phoebe: Well alright, looks like you guys have got it under control so I’m just gonna go. (She gets up and Rachel looks at her, upset, and Monica just stares.) No! Misery really does love company. All right! (She sits back down.)
Monica: Rach, try holding her a different way.
Rachel: You guys, I’m doing the best I can, anyone else is welcome to try.
Phoebe: Alright, I’ll try, fine! Yes, OK!
Rachel: Here you go. (hands Emma to Phoebe)
Phoebe: Shh! Nothing works with this child! (Hands her back after 2 seconds)
Rachel: Oh god what am I gonna do you guys, I can’t even comfort my own baby! I’m the worst mother ever!
Monica: You’re just new at this, it’ll get better, think about your first day at work. I mean, that couldn’t have been easy but you figured that out.
Rachel: Yeah I don’t think dressing provocatively is going to help me here! Oh my god just please take her.
Monica: Ok I’ll take her, here. (takes Emma)
Rachel: I have to go to the bathroom. (goes to the bathroom)
Phoebe: I have to go scream into a pillow. (goes to scream into a pI’llow)
Monica: (To Emma) Bouncy baby, Bouncy baby, Ooh baby baby, Ooh baby baby, Ooh baby baby. (Emma stops crying and falls asleep)
Phoebe: (comes back into the room) Have I gone deaf?
Monica: It worked! Ooh baby baby baby, ooh baby baby baby!
Phoebe: You must be a fireball in bed.
Monica: I can’t believe it, she’s asleep, I got her to go to sleep, I have actual magical powers!
Phoebe: I can hear traffic and birds, I can hear the voice in my head again! (Monica looks at her strangely) I’m kidding (she smiles at something the voice in her head says to her and sits down)
Rachel: Oh my God! You got her to stop crying!
Monica: Yes I did, I’m Monica super aunt
Rachel: You are the official baby crier stopper!
Monica: Yes I am!!
Rachel: You’re never leaving the apartment!
Monica: Say what?
Rachel: That’s your new job, day and night, she starts crying I need you here.
Monica: (stands up to hand Emma back) Oh no no no no!
Phoebe: Thankfully you don’t need me at all (gets up and to leave) so OK Super aunt see you later! Rachel let’s give it six to eight months (she leaves).
Rachel: OK so listen I’m gonna go lay down.
Monica: What?
Rachel: You know the book says that whenever she’s sleeping I should be sleeping so?(she does thumbs up to Monica and goes to lay down)
Chandler: (enters) hey
Monica: Shhh! We just got her to go to sleep
Chandler: Oh so there can’t be any yelling.
Monica: No!
Chandler: We’re moving to Tulsa
Monica: WHAT!
Chandler: Shhhh! Shhhhh! Shhhhh! Shhhhh! (walks backwards towards the door) I can’t, I can’t hear you. (He runs out)
Scene: Ross finally comes home.
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: Heeeeey, where have you been? (He shows her his thumb) What happened to you?
Ross: Ah I had a little thing with Joey, if you think this is bad you should see him.
Rachel: Oh no Ross! This is not good, we have to talk about this Joey thing. Please sit. (He sits) You have got to get over this Joey thing, OK? I never really wanted to marry Joey, OK?
Ross: OK.
Rachel: You know what I really really want?
Ross: What, Rach?
Rachel: I wanna sleep, I wanna eat, I wanna take a shower, I mean before she wakes up and we gotta do this all over again.
Ross: (smiles) Right
Rachel: I mean I got news for you mister, Emma’s not easy.
Ross: Well, that’s what I’m here for. (Emma starts crying again) Want me to get that?
Rachel: No its really OK?Monica!
Monica: (comes running out the kitchen to the bedroom) Got it! Got it! Got it! Got it! Got it! Got it!
Scene: Joey, Ross and Chandler comes into Central Perk
Joey: You know, ah, I’ve been thinking about this and I gotta tell ya, it’s not my fault. It’s a natural instinct.
Chandler: (enters) Hey, what you guys talking about?
Joey: Hey OK great, what would you do if I did this? (Swings to punch Chandler, he moves and he ends up punching Ross. Ross then gets up and just stares at Joey.)
End
